Sexy and older aren’t mutually exclusive – here’s proof

I am 51 and want to both feel desire and be desired. Shocking, right? At my advanced age, shouldn’t I be retiring my libido, pulling the shutters down on my sexuality and contemplating a shift into pants so big they have their own postcode? I’m saying no. And joining me in this refusal are a slew of women in the public eye who are showing that sexy and older aren’t mutually exclusive. There’s Sharon Stone, 67, seductive in the new Mugler campaign, featuring plunging necklines, spike heels and a man at least 30 years younger.

A few weeks ago, Jane Fonda, 87, Viola Davis, 60, and Gillian Anderson, 56, walked the L’Oréal runway looking smoking hot. And Dame Denise Lewis has just posed for her first lingerie campaign for Coco de Mer at the age of 53. She says she felt “like a goddess” in sheer lace body suits, suspenders and stockings, and that she’s all about “empowering women to be sensual, powerful and strong”. Yes, Denise! (Clearly keen on the older woman, the brand previously chose Helena Christensen, 56, and Pamela Anderson, 58, as ambassadors.)

And let’s not forget Elizabeth Hurley, 60, whose 3.2 million Instagram followers are there for her flirty bikini shots, not her gardening content. The societal stigma around older women being sexual is easing – so different from past decades when Madonna got shot down for wearing risqué outfits and told to claim her free bus pass. This thought shift helps, but these women are also genetic-lottery winners with age-defying bodies. We civilians, as Elizabeth once described the general populace, know that the inevitable sag and bag that comes with passing decades can erode confidence and prove a blocker to feeling sensual.

While I was researching my book about getting back on the dating scene after a divorce (and thus potentially exposing my body to new partners), I interviewed Karen Gurney, a sex therapist and the author of Mind the Gap: The Truth About Desire and How to Futureproof Your Sex Life. She told me: “Body image is the number one concern among women, while, interestingly, men’s is performance.” She added: “A lot of women think that to be proud of our bodies, we have to conform to society’s idea of what a sexy body is.” Basically, we feel as though we need a Victoria’s Secret model’s chassis in order to fulfil a partner. But the cliche is true: confidence is sexy. And my dating experience has shown me that if you believe you are hot, worthy and desirable, so will your partner.

It certainly works for the men. The guys I met who were less than Adonis-like but were confident in themselves proved so much more attractive than the chiselled but neurotic types. Karen says that one way to shift your mindset to confidence is to look for body-positive role models. Think sensual Nigella Lawson, 65, or naturally beautiful Helen Mirren, 80. I’m hopeful that, as we take up more sexual space, we midlifers will break free of the mindset of thinking about whether we are “wantable” and move to: “What do we want?” Now there’s a question I’ll enjoy contemplating.

I am 51 and want to both feel desire and be desired. Shocking, right? At my advanced age, shouldn’t I be retiring my libido, pulling the shutters down on my sexuality and contemplating a shift into pants so big they have their own postcode? I’m saying no. And joining me in this refusal are a slew of women in the public eye who are showing that sexy and older aren’t mutually exclusive. There’s Sharon Stone, 67, seductive in the new Mugler campaign, featuring plunging necklines, spike heels and a man at least 30 years younger.

A few weeks ago, Jane Fonda, 87, Viola Davis, 60, and Gillian Anderson, 56, walked the L’Oréal runway looking smoking hot. And Dame Denise Lewis has just posed for her first lingerie campaign for Coco de Mer at the age of 53. She says she felt “like a goddess” in sheer lace body suits, suspenders and stockings, and that she’s all about “empowering women to be sensual, powerful and strong”. Yes, Denise! (Clearly keen on the older woman, the brand previously chose Helena Christensen, 56, and Pamela Anderson, 58, as ambassadors.)

And let’s not forget Elizabeth Hurley, 60, whose 3.2 million Instagram followers are there for her flirty bikini shots, not her gardening content. The societal stigma around older women being sexual is easing – so different from past decades when Madonna got shot down for wearing risqué outfits and told to claim her free bus pass. This thought shift helps, but these women are also genetic-lottery winners with age-defying bodies. We civilians, as Elizabeth once described the general populace, know that the inevitable sag and bag that comes with passing decades can erode confidence and prove a blocker to feeling sensual.

While I was researching my book about getting back on the dating scene after a divorce (and thus potentially exposing my body to new partners), I interviewed Karen Gurney, a sex therapist and the author of Mind the Gap: The Truth About Desire and How to Futureproof Your Sex Life. She told me: “Body image is the number one concern among women, while, interestingly, men’s is performance.” She added: “A lot of women think that to be proud of our bodies, we have to conform to society’s idea of what a sexy body is.” Basically, we feel as though we need a Victoria’s Secret model’s chassis in order to fulfil a partner. But the cliche is true: confidence is sexy. And my dating experience has shown me that if you believe you are hot, worthy and desirable, so will your partner.

It certainly works for the men. The guys I met who were less than Adonis-like but were confident in themselves proved so much more attractive than the chiselled but neurotic types. Karen says that one way to shift your mindset to confidence is to look for body-positive role models. Think sensual Nigella Lawson, 65, or naturally beautiful Helen Mirren, 80. I’m hopeful that, as we take up more sexual space, we midlifers will break free of the mindset of thinking about whether we are “wantable” and move to: “What do we want?” Now there’s a question I’ll enjoy contemplating.