We’ve all heard of FOMO, the fear of missing out, but what do you call it when a surge of relief floods your body the second you spot the “Hey, I can’t make it” text light up your phone screen?
JOMO, or joy of missing out, made quite the splash online last year as many people, including myself, admitted they occasionally preferred when plans were cancelled as opposed to dressing up and heading out to make the preordained reservation.
However, if you are continuously expressing a large sigh of relief every time a plan is rearranged or scrapped rather than the occasional sense of disappointment, then it could be your psyche’s way of telling you something.
It turns out that a genuine preference for reclaimed time over engaging in a social obligation has specific psychological signature attributes attached to it.
From a high degree of “internal locus of control” to an uncommon comfort with solitude, we’re diving into the personality traits that turn a “no-show” into your best night of the week, with the help of the experts.
Why do we feel relief when a plan gets cancelled?
That feeling of relief that floods through the system when someone calls to cancel is your brain’s way of trying to tell you, you are doing too much. A sense of calm and control returns to your body as you realise you have got your time back and no longer have to leave the house – but is this happening to so many of us?
Psychologist and Broadcaster, Dr Linda Papadopoulos, has spent 17 years researching and working in psychology and is the founder and director of the London Metropolitan University’s Programme in Counselling Psychology.
She weighed in on the subject and exclusively told HELLO!: “I think part of it is because it just reduces the emotional or the cognitive load on our mind generally. We feel we have social demands, and our brains are constantly tracking. We have time pressure, we have performance expectations, we feel socially anxious about how we’re being evaluated – it’s the emotional input.”
Dr Linda continued explaining why we are relieved when plans are cancelled: “When a plan disappears, your nervous system says to you, ‘Oh great, the demand’s removed, so now I’m safe’. It’s very much about the cognitive load and then the removal of that.
“Once it’s removed, there’s a drop in cortisol, and we feel a sense of control that is experienced as relief. It’s not necessarily laziness. It’s the nervous system getting a message of, ‘Hey, it’s all good, you don’t have to be in overdrive.'”
© Getty Images
What can this sense of relief tell us about an individual’s personality traits?
While it is totally normal in this day and age to take solace in the wake of a cancelled plan, if it happens more often than not, it could be an indication of something else. Burnout, overwhelm and overstimulation are syndromes that we’ve all heard of and have likely experienced a taste of.
According to the expert, the above could be the cause of your cancellation relief. Dr Linda revealed: “If there’s a high internal emotional workload, if they’re overstimulated, if they feel that they have to invest really, really deeply when they show up – so if I feel exhausted and then I meet up with you, as much as I love you and I want to be with you, I know that it’s going to take a lot more than maybe I have to give, and these people might have a tired nervous system, so it’s oftentimes people that are just over expended.”
What personality traits could this relief be associated with?
A study, spearheaded by Silke M. Müller and published in Personality and Individual Differences, revealed that the tendency towards being the one to cancel plans, otherwise known in the research as “social zapping”, could be an indication of some darker personality traits.
It suggested that the act of regularly and intentionally cancelling plans could be labelled as self-serving and expose people with personality traits that edge on “Machiavellianism, narcissism, and subclinical psychopathy”.
However, this is in extreme cases and the research itself states that the above is only a risk when cancelling plans becomes a regular habit. Other traits shown by a sense of relief when a plan is cancelled have been identified as:
- An embracement of nurturing solitude
- Setting of authentic boundaries
- Mastering internal energy management
- Favouring quality time over quantity
© Getty Images
How can we break the pattern of feeling this kind of relief?
Never fear, this is a way to train your brain to want to leave the house, despite the freezing cold January temperatures and cosy couch calling your name.
Dr Linda said: “You need to have realistic expectations. I do think socialisation is good for you. I actually think there’s a real problem with too many people cancelling things. I think it’s become too easy, and I think we’re spending too much time alone.”
She added: “The issue is that we see the benefit in not having to do something, and we see the cost of going out and the emotional cost. I think there’s a need to reframe.
“So if I’m going out to see a friend this evening instead of thinking, ‘Oh, I have to go out. It’s cold and I’ve got all this work to do and it’s going to take up time’, I can think, ‘Hold on, why am I still friends with this person? Because actually, they make me laugh. I get to go and laugh with them’. There’s something really important about reframing it as what you have to gain rather than what you have to lose.”
What to do if you are experiencing anxiety when committing to plans?
If the thing that’s stopping you from heading out to meet friends is a feeling of anxiety, then there are a number of ways you can combat this. Reframing your thoughts and viewing the situation as a positive instead of a negative is a start, but when things go beyond a mindset, Dr Linda shared physical mechanisms to try out.
She advised: “If there is an anxiety response, doing deep breathing or the 54321 method – where you look at five things and name them, listen to four things and name them, touch three things and name them, name two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste – the idea is to come back into your body.
“The best advice is to have realistic expectations. If you’re not someone who can go out five times a week, don’t commit to that. But at the same time, don’t say I’m not going out at all, find that balance.
“Maybe it’s once a week, but prime yourself by looking forward to it. If you find yourself feeling anxious, do sensory things that lift you, whether it’s listening to music or taking that hot shower or putting on the perfume that you like or the body lotion, that kind of getting into your body, that really helps as well.”
© Dr Linda Papadopoulos
Psychologist and Broadcaster, Dr Linda Papadopoulos, has 17 years experience in researching and practicing psychology. She is the founder and director of the Programme in Counselling Psychology at the London Metropolitan University and has become one of the most well recognised faces on British TV thanks to her participation in the original Channel 4 team on Big Brother and hosting duties on Channel 5 shows Doctor Doctor and Double Cross.
We’ve all heard of FOMO, the fear of missing out, but what do you call it when a surge of relief floods your body the second you spot the “Hey, I can’t make it” text light up your phone screen?
JOMO, or joy of missing out, made quite the splash online last year as many people, including myself, admitted they occasionally preferred when plans were cancelled as opposed to dressing up and heading out to make the preordained reservation.
However, if you are continuously expressing a large sigh of relief every time a plan is rearranged or scrapped rather than the occasional sense of disappointment, then it could be your psyche’s way of telling you something.
It turns out that a genuine preference for reclaimed time over engaging in a social obligation has specific psychological signature attributes attached to it.
From a high degree of “internal locus of control” to an uncommon comfort with solitude, we’re diving into the personality traits that turn a “no-show” into your best night of the week, with the help of the experts.
Why do we feel relief when a plan gets cancelled?
That feeling of relief that floods through the system when someone calls to cancel is your brain’s way of trying to tell you, you are doing too much. A sense of calm and control returns to your body as you realise you have got your time back and no longer have to leave the house – but is this happening to so many of us?
Psychologist and Broadcaster, Dr Linda Papadopoulos, has spent 17 years researching and working in psychology and is the founder and director of the London Metropolitan University’s Programme in Counselling Psychology.
She weighed in on the subject and exclusively told HELLO!: “I think part of it is because it just reduces the emotional or the cognitive load on our mind generally. We feel we have social demands, and our brains are constantly tracking. We have time pressure, we have performance expectations, we feel socially anxious about how we’re being evaluated – it’s the emotional input.”
Dr Linda continued explaining why we are relieved when plans are cancelled: “When a plan disappears, your nervous system says to you, ‘Oh great, the demand’s removed, so now I’m safe’. It’s very much about the cognitive load and then the removal of that.
“Once it’s removed, there’s a drop in cortisol, and we feel a sense of control that is experienced as relief. It’s not necessarily laziness. It’s the nervous system getting a message of, ‘Hey, it’s all good, you don’t have to be in overdrive.'”
© Getty Images
What can this sense of relief tell us about an individual’s personality traits?
While it is totally normal in this day and age to take solace in the wake of a cancelled plan, if it happens more often than not, it could be an indication of something else. Burnout, overwhelm and overstimulation are syndromes that we’ve all heard of and have likely experienced a taste of.
According to the expert, the above could be the cause of your cancellation relief. Dr Linda revealed: “If there’s a high internal emotional workload, if they’re overstimulated, if they feel that they have to invest really, really deeply when they show up – so if I feel exhausted and then I meet up with you, as much as I love you and I want to be with you, I know that it’s going to take a lot more than maybe I have to give, and these people might have a tired nervous system, so it’s oftentimes people that are just over expended.”
What personality traits could this relief be associated with?
A study, spearheaded by Silke M. Müller and published in Personality and Individual Differences, revealed that the tendency towards being the one to cancel plans, otherwise known in the research as “social zapping”, could be an indication of some darker personality traits.
It suggested that the act of regularly and intentionally cancelling plans could be labelled as self-serving and expose people with personality traits that edge on “Machiavellianism, narcissism, and subclinical psychopathy”.
However, this is in extreme cases and the research itself states that the above is only a risk when cancelling plans becomes a regular habit. Other traits shown by a sense of relief when a plan is cancelled have been identified as:
- An embracement of nurturing solitude
- Setting of authentic boundaries
- Mastering internal energy management
- Favouring quality time over quantity
© Getty Images
How can we break the pattern of feeling this kind of relief?
Never fear, this is a way to train your brain to want to leave the house, despite the freezing cold January temperatures and cosy couch calling your name.
Dr Linda said: “You need to have realistic expectations. I do think socialisation is good for you. I actually think there’s a real problem with too many people cancelling things. I think it’s become too easy, and I think we’re spending too much time alone.”
She added: “The issue is that we see the benefit in not having to do something, and we see the cost of going out and the emotional cost. I think there’s a need to reframe.
“So if I’m going out to see a friend this evening instead of thinking, ‘Oh, I have to go out. It’s cold and I’ve got all this work to do and it’s going to take up time’, I can think, ‘Hold on, why am I still friends with this person? Because actually, they make me laugh. I get to go and laugh with them’. There’s something really important about reframing it as what you have to gain rather than what you have to lose.”
What to do if you are experiencing anxiety when committing to plans?
If the thing that’s stopping you from heading out to meet friends is a feeling of anxiety, then there are a number of ways you can combat this. Reframing your thoughts and viewing the situation as a positive instead of a negative is a start, but when things go beyond a mindset, Dr Linda shared physical mechanisms to try out.
She advised: “If there is an anxiety response, doing deep breathing or the 54321 method – where you look at five things and name them, listen to four things and name them, touch three things and name them, name two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste – the idea is to come back into your body.
“The best advice is to have realistic expectations. If you’re not someone who can go out five times a week, don’t commit to that. But at the same time, don’t say I’m not going out at all, find that balance.
“Maybe it’s once a week, but prime yourself by looking forward to it. If you find yourself feeling anxious, do sensory things that lift you, whether it’s listening to music or taking that hot shower or putting on the perfume that you like or the body lotion, that kind of getting into your body, that really helps as well.”
© Dr Linda Papadopoulos
Psychologist and Broadcaster, Dr Linda Papadopoulos, has 17 years experience in researching and practicing psychology. She is the founder and director of the Programme in Counselling Psychology at the London Metropolitan University and has become one of the most well recognised faces on British TV thanks to her participation in the original Channel 4 team on Big Brother and hosting duties on Channel 5 shows Doctor Doctor and Double Cross.
